I enjoy the process of gathering data.  It spurs my mind and gives me a longing thirst for more.  Today I went back to her archives for the third day in a row and gleefully ingested more words stopping every so often to cut and paste a recipe into Word and print it for my ever growing binder of culinary delights.  I’ve only worked my way through the first year of her posts.  It was there, buried five years deep I read this . . .

And for all of you reading who suffer with me on this. There are a lot of us out there. We aren’t just crazy.

My eyes fill with unexpected tears as the breath rushed out of my lungs.

There is a reason.

Could it really be?  Could there be a reason for the infertility that my file says was “unexplained”?  A reason for the constant pain, the never healing body?  A reason minor bruises last months and cuts last weeks?  A reason, other than the often blamed stress, that the constant headaches so often turn to blinding migraines?  A reason the anxiety hit so hard and so out of the blue?  While I’m certain hormones played a role, is it possible that hormones alone were not the only cause?  A reason that I could go days never remembering to eat a single bite of food.  No one ever understood that about me, but I was simply never hungry.

It would make everything fit.  This one piece, this one little fact would explain all of it.  Surgery often triggers celiac into an activity.  The hysterectomy that freed me from one sort of pain invited the continuing onslaught of another sort of pain.  Everything would tie together in such amazing ways.

For all these years I have heard the doctors mutter “too young”.  Too young for bones to be as they are, too young for infertility, too young for endometriosis, too young for osteochondritis dissecans, too young for the endo to be the worst case the surgeon had seen, too young for my teeth to decay the way they do, too young for Vitamin D levels so low.  Too young. I’ve heard it from doctors, nurses, nurse practioners, dentists, and dental assistants.  Every white lab coated person I have ever met has uttered those words. They were right.  I was too young.

I just wonder, was there a reason after all?

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